Reality Bites

   As most of you know by now the movie The Hurt Locker won the Oscar for movie of the year, and this makes me very angry. My civilian friends keep asking me why I'm so mad, because most of them enjoyed watching it.  Simply put it's because the movie is full of lies, exaggerations, and ugly people. 'But it's a movie' they say, 'of course it's not realistic'. That's strange.. because the back of The Hurt Locker box says 'Powerfully Realistic'. Yet this movie is about as far from realism that a movie can be (this claim includes all movies about time travel, and vampires, but excludes any movies starring the Wayans brothers).
    Don't get me wrong here- I'm not a stickler for all military realism. The military uniforms in the Transformers are a ridiculous hodgepodge of different branches, but no one cares because America is fighting off evil giant alien robots, and nerds like Shia Labeouf are getting with impossibly hot women like Megan Fox (still not convinced that she's not an evil alien robot here to destroy monogamous relationships). The point being that  it's not the realism, it's the claiming to be real that disturbs me. Although I will say that there is occasional fantasy movie that breaks rules of logic as well. X-Men 3 is a prime example of what I like to call fantasmical stupidity.
    In the climactic scene of the movie Magneto rips up the entire Golden Gate Bridge and relocates it so that his minions can cross the bay to Alcatraz and capture the mutant boy wearing a livestrong bracelet http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKc4BWvWtuM. Let's assume for a moment that Magneto has developed his power over the metallic elements enough to move a 4200 feet long and 746 feet tall steel bridge a couple miles. Plus the bridge was full of cars and trucks at the time making its weight approximately a billion tons. The Alcatraz prison on the other hand, which is surely reinforced with steel just like the bridge, is only 3 stories in height, and if my calculations based on google maps satellite imagery are correct then it can't way more than a thousand tons. So if Magneto is SO powerful why didn't he just rip up the foundations of the prison and take it to his evil hideout instead of relocating a bridge for an obviously suicidal frontal assault? Fantasmical stupidity at its finest- and that is why X-Men 3 will never live up to its predecessors.
     When I first thought about writing this blog entry I considered writing a list of all the mistakes the movie makes, but my list became way too long and boring. Instead I decided to describe just how outlandish The Hurt Locker is by writing my own movie script, but this one is the medical equivalent, I call this version The Hurt Locker: McDoogie Returns with a Vengeance

Scene 1:
Time: It's Go Time!
Place: Decatur Memorial Hospital

Doctor McDoogie: Alright nurse what do we got?

Nurse 1: His heart was removed by a medicine man while his body was put into a pit of burning lava. It doesn't look good.

McDoogie: I don't like your attitude nurse. Now get me a juice box.

Nurse 1: Yes doctor. But wouldn't you like to put on your gloves first before you start operating?

McDoogie: If this guy is going to die I might as well be comfortable while I'm working on him.

Nurse 2: Doctor what meds should we give him.

McDoogie: Do what you think is best.

Scene 2:
Time: 3 hours later
Place: Plane flight to Washington D.C.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this flight a doctor. We have a medical emergency.

McDoogie: I'm a heart surgeon. What seems to be the problem?

Patient: There seems to be a tumor growing out of my ear.

McDoogie: I'm going to have to operate right now. Stewardess I'll need your best cutlery and a juice box.

Flight Attendant: But you're a heart surgeon, shouldn't we just wait a few hours and get him to a hospital so that someone who is trained to work on brain tumors can help this man out?

McDoogie: No.

Scene 3
Time: Weekend
Place: McDoogie's home

Mrs. McDoogie: Honey I'm so glad you are home. Samatha has been waiting all week to play with you.

Samatha: Hey daddy wanna play Operation with me?

McDoogie: Sure.

GhhZZZZZ!

Samantha: Yeah I won!

McDoogie: This is lame - I'm going back to work.

The End
       For those of you who never saw the movie or don't ever plan to- my entire family both immediate and extended- trust me when I say that the script you just read was the exact replica of the movie. Silly right? If McDoogie didn't convince you that The Hurt Locker is ridiculous surely nothing will.

      CNN would have you believe that there are a few in the military who actually liked The Hurt Locker http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/showbiz/2010/03/09/afghan.troops.hurt.locker.reax.cnn. As always the liberal media is leaving out all the facts. Those veterans that they polled who enjoyed the film fall into three categories.



1. FOBbits- the military slang for those who never leave the F.O.B. Forward Operating Base, and thus have no concept of deployment reality and are therefore sissies.

2. T.B.I.- Traumatic Brain Injury. Some vets have been hit so hard from explosions their brains are not functioning correctly, thus The Hurt Locker reminds them of their moms blueberry pancakes.

3. Marines
(Note: There are many scholars that will claim that reasons 2 and 3 are interchangeable, but this logic is faulty because there are plenty of reasons why a Marine's brain isn't functioning properly and should not be limited to just TBI. For example- drugs, abused as a child, hit by a train, licked too many envelopes, crack baby, gasoline fight, former or current resident of Texas, Nickleback, Aids, watched JEM and the holograms as a kid, shot in the face, molested by a priest, American Idol finalist, horrific sunburn, allergic to peanuts, testicular cancer, Yankees fan, or just plain dumb.)
      I guess what's the most troubling about The Hurt Locker is just how little the general public knows about the war and deployments. This begs the question: if that movie can dupe millions of Americans while we are currently engaged in two conflicts what else can Hollywood do? Next thing you know someone will claim that not all vampires are beautiful high schoolers whose skin shines in the sunlight (I'm on to you Libby Presnell).