Forts, Gold, and Plans

   Since I've been here at Ft. Knox, several friends and family have asked me about the gold locked up in the famous reserve vault. No, I have not seen it. No they do not give tours. And no, Mom, I will not at least take a picture of the outside for you. (Those rooftop snipers have beady all-seeing eyes). I do drive by the vault nearly every day, though, and for such an important task of protecting the nation's wealth, the building is frankly disappointing. It's roughly the size of a golf clubhouse, with granite walls and snipers on the roof, of course. The majority of the building is below ground, seven floors, if the rumors are to be believed. When I first realized that the vault was underground, and not an above-ground golden swimming pool like Scrooge McDuck's, it reminded me of an a simpler time in my boyhood when building forts was all the rage. 
     I was about 9 years old and the commies hadn't quite given up on East Germany yet. The Wolverines of Wyoming had fought them off just a few years prior, so I knew quality strongholds were a necessity. And no one really thought that the Rocky - Gorbachev peace talks would hold. I remember having an epiphany on the bus on the way home from school. What is the strongest, most impenetrable fort? My couch pillow, blanket and even plaster board-walled fort was easily defeated. I've got it... we need to build down not up! We could dig a giant hole with one little door and steps leading down to it, where we could do all of our non-commie activities. When I first envisioned this fortress I thought it would be cool to take left over carpet scraps and lay them on the dirt for a nice place to sit, and we could also have shelves to put all of our guns and stuff. Now that I look back on it, my design has a lot of similarities to a cellar.
     I took this new found genius idea of protection and sold it to my neighborhood friends, and we started digging. We had to find a good spot for our fort where no one could see our operations and tools would be readily accessible…which made the garden bed behind my shed perfect. I felt like a regular Tom Sawyer--rallying up the local kids to do his chores. We were making great progress when my older brother Joseph and one of his friends poked in to see what we were doing. I thought we were done for. But after I told him about our ultimate underground hideaway he and his friend actually logged someman boy hours in helping us dig even deeper.
    This operation wasn't a one-day affair, mind you. For several days we would come home from school and go back to work making the fort bigger and bigger. Until finally we couldn't dig any longer. This hole was a monster, at least six feet in diameter and three feet deep. Which means once we put a roof on it, my friends and I could all easily fit inside, as long as we were laying down shoulder to shoulder, that is.
     Disheartened we gave up on the idea of our underground fallout shelter and moved on to more exciting things like blowing up Barbies with fireworks. A week later my mother discovered the child-made crater behind her shed and told me to fill the hole back in. For years it boggled my mind how the dirt that I pulled out of the hole wouldn't all fit back in the hole. Did the dirt grow? If so, is there money in growing dirt?
     Even though my blue prints never panned out, the pit that we dug that week still stands on the top ten list of engineering wonders of the Woodland Hills neighborhood. It was then that I realized my potential to rally people to a cause... and quit before it's complete.

Engineering Wonders of Woodland Hills Neighborhood
(Not listed in order of greatness)
1.  Ammon's underground fortress against communists
2.  Blair's balcony (great for throwing gliders off of and shooting Barbies with B.B. guns)
3.  Dead Man's Cliff (I swear it was a lot bigger when I was younger)
4.  Mr. Brilley's pond and gazebo
5.  Mr. Brilley's rock pile
6.  Mr. Brilley's pasture
7.  Mr. Brilley's driveway
8.  Bubba Morris's jungle lawn
9.  Van Orden's rusty trampoline
10.The bridge spanning the mighty Steven's Creek (also owned by Mr. Brilley)

    Did you know that the value of a gold bar is nearly half a million dollars these days? Did you also know that several countries’ crown jewels, the Magna Carta, the Declaration of Independence, and the Constitution were stored in Ft. Knox to protect them during WWII? National Treasure 3 anyone? Although I can’t find any discernable weakness in the fort’s perimeter, I’m sure Nicolas Cage can weasel his way in…or at least annoy movie-goers across the country trying.