Horse Racing: America's Pasture Time

    My first memory of horses came as a young boy listening to the book on tape version of The Black Stallion. A movie about how a mostly naked boy and a completely naked horse became friends on a beach, and with the help of Mickey Rooney win every horse race in the universe. Of course the natural reaction for a boy my age was to project himself into the story- which meant that every time the outside temperature reached a balmy 64 degrees I was taking off my shirt and running around the house. These memories eventually faded and I had no more interactions with the equestrian race until our third grade class trip. When we went to visit the Amish in a field somewhere in Illinois. The Amish are famous for making handcrafted goods like fine oak tables, quilts, and beards. But since they abstain from the use of electronics and motor vehicles they were dependent on horses for transportation and apparently money, because they sold rides to kids on dieing mare for three bucks a pop. Coming from a family with 8 kids I didn't have the disposable income to afford horse rides or giant Amish jaw breakers. Such extravagant thrills were only for those rich kids who ate hot lunches at school, or who could afford sweet shorts like Umbros.
    But since those days as a child I have learned my lesson. In order to enjoy the finer things in life like horses and nice threads you have to avoid taking on extra baggage known as dependents. Hence we arrive at our present day when this past weekend my single friends and I were able to go to the Keeneland Race Track in Lexington, Kentucky for the Blue Grass Stakes. The ironic part about the finances of races is that it's actually ridiculously cheap to get into the races- only $5 dollars for general admission which puts you right on the track. The real costs of racing comes in the form of obtaining a suitable outfit for the affair and of course any donations you might be inclined to give the race track for letting you pick a no good Irish stag that decided to prance around the track instead of run!
    But of course while these donations can be very painful to give they also make each race that more exciting, and give each spectator reasons to rise and shout obscenities at the passing ponies. You rarely see this much excitement at other sporting events- unless the score is close at the end of regulation- that or when cheer leaders shoot t-shirts out of a potato gun. At the track they don't even have music or an organ playing to get people pumped up. Speaking of which- it is kind of ironic that the only place "Donna-na-not-ta-nah CHARGE!" would be appropriate would be at a horse race, yet it is somehow absent. (yes that was the correct phonetic spelling of the Charge theme played via pipe organ)
    For those of you who have never been to a race, the food fare near the track is of the finest quality. They serve the only best franks, fritters, and kettle chips. Known everywhere else in the world as hot dogs, chicken nuggets, and potato chips. I'm sure the clubhouse was serving mint juleps and steaks, but I would rather spend my time with the common man and even more time with the common woman. Why- because they are down to earth, they think parasols are for sissies, and she's cheaper to feed.
     The races start at 1:00 in the afternoon and occur about every 30 to 45 minutes. The races them self last only about a minute and a half max and then everyone waits for the next build up of anticipation. They diagnose the last race and council together about who the next winner will be. I happened to bring my recording device with me this weekend and was fortunate enough to catch a couple snippets of conversations- I've copied them on my blog so that you can get the feeling of what it is like to be at the races between runs. The first conversation is that of the ladies and the second is of their male counterparts.

Kate: Ugh. Can you believe the nerve of that tramp wearing a black dress out here?
Jill: I know- right. You'd think she was going to a funeral. Doesn't she read Cosmo?
K: Or that hat, it's so Derby.
J: Hahaha. It's just too easy with some girls.
K: So I'm thinking about placing money on Candle In the Wind. 
J: Are you kidding? I was about to say the same thing- that is my FAVORITE Elton John song!
K: Yeah me too- I cry every time it comes on the radio, because it reminds me of you know who.
J: It's just so sad that Diana had to be the last pretty princess. What happened to this world?
K: She was more than just beautiful on the outside- did you know she did a lot of work for victims of land mines?
J: Isn't that the saddest! Those kids will never be able to grow up and put bracelets on their wrists or toe rings on their poor little toes.
K: Tragic. I sure hope Jim wins today because I want him to take me out to dinner tonight.
J: And if he doesn't win?
K: I guess I'll skip out on dessert. (evil cackling ensues)

Jim: Alright man- if you were a horse and you could carry any one person living or dead into battle who would it be?
Bill: Chick or Dude?
J: Umm.. dude because if I'd say chick you just go for you favorite actress, and I'm sick of hearing about Miley Cirus.
B: Fair enough. Ok I got it- Clint Eastwood. More specifically I would be the horse that carried the Outlaw Josey Wales.
J: Interesting pick. The southern rebel who went on a rampage and spit on everything he saw. I like where your mind is at Bill.
B: And you?

J: I'm going to go a little off base on this one and go with Micheal Knight played by the Hoff, and I would be KITT.
B: That is cheating and you know it Jim- you said  "horse" and KITT is a bulletproof Trans Am with missiles. If you choose KITT then I pick Luke Skywalker's X-wing in A New Hope.
J: Whoa now Bill, slow your roll. Give me a chance to explain. You see KITT is not just any mode of transport- no he is an autonomous being just like a horse. In fact that's why the show is called Knight Rider, because David Hasselhoff is a modern day Knight and KITT is his trusty steed for the 21st century.
B: Well I'm going to be the trusty steed of the 54th century when Luke Skywalker kicks the Empires tail!
J: Sorry Bill, but we both know that happened long ago, and the X-Wing didn't have a mind of it's own- that was R2's role and he is by no means...
B: Oh shut up- I think I see our next winner.
J: Which one? Candle In the Wind?
B: No, no, two o'clock- the chick in the little black dress.

Have a great week everyone. See you at the races!